Viridian Forest reviews bad Pokemon figurines
Earlier this month, Viridian Forest staff found some bizarre Pokemon figurines at the store. Here are images, along with our reviews of their…quirks.
Editor Rebekah Valentine and staff writer Matt Rutkowski review ten Pokemon figurines that Rebekah found at the store earlier this week. As will quickly become apparent, these figurines are not normal Pokemon figurines. There’s something odd about, well, all of them.
Rebekah Valentine: Some context: I found these at Vintage Stock, which basically sells a bunch of nerdy things, old and new. I’ve been eyeing them for awhile–they were $.99 apiece and sitting in a plastic tub on a shelf. My assumption before was that someone had gotten them out of a $.25 toy machine and sold them to Vintage Stock, since they let you do trade-ins.
But APPARENTLY, they’re actual things made in China that are sold and restocked at Vintage Stocks! And they’ll keep getting more of them! Probably made by some knock-off manufacturer.
RV: So here’s number one. It’s one of the least offensive ones of the set. You should probably know this Pokemon.
Matt Rutkowski: Pikachu.
RV: Matt, not every Pokemon is Pikachu, I don’t think.
MR: They’re all Pikachu to me.
RV: Oh, man, my bad. You’d think having played Pokemon as much as I have I would know all the different variations of Pikachu. Silly me.
MR: It does get tricky. But sure, we can call it Ekans. Which is “weird blue worm” spelled backwards, you know.
RV: I think my fave part about this Ekans figure is its face. It’s looking at you with that “Oops, what have I done!” face of a dog who has done something on the rug.
MR: Funny you should say that because, depending on the size of the dog, that’s probably the shape of the thing it did.
RV: If your dog is doing something that purple, you should be concerned.
MR: All Pokemon are Pikachu and all animals are dogs.
RV: I just realized that his tongue on the figurine, which isn’t really visible, is literally a pink round lump in his mouth.
MR: I think I saw that condition in a House episode. His tongue is going to explode.
RV: It’s terminal. It’s also lupus.
MR: But then House will wake up and it was all just a dream, and he gets ketamine for his leg, and everything is better for a while. I think that’s how it went.
RV: Wow, that’s how it all went?
MR: Well, the first two seasons. If you have an Arbok, that should cover the rest of the series.
RV: I didn’t find an Arbok, but I did find this:
RV: Okay, I’m PRETTY SURE….it’s Rampardos. It’s the closest thing I can find but I’m just not 100% sure.
MR: The number of appendages match. That’s about all I have to go on.
RV: Are you counting spikes as appendages, because this Pokemon has a lot of spikes.
MR: Good point. Okay, that’s Mother Brain from Super Metroid.
RV: oh. OH. Of course, how silly of me. Mother Brain. Wow, she’s let herself go since she…spawned…the….Metroids? (I have not played Metroid anything).
MR: Wait, why does she have a collar? That’s the yellow thing, right?
RV: It could be the yellow thing. Let’s call it that. Wait, is Mother Brain now a dog, too?
MR: I think that’s where logic is taking us, but I’m not sure I want to follow it.
Rebekah Valentine: Here, have you seen this one before?
Matt Rutkowski: I’m thinking yes, and I want to agree with myself. The easy answer is Pikachu, but I think it’s Jolteon, so it’s not. Elekid?
RV: YES! It’s Elekid! Great job! So this one’s pretty good, except for that thing going through its….plug?!?!?!?!
MR: Yeah, that’s vandalism. Now it can’t get plugged into the Pokemon Center outlets to heal. It’s all quite tragic, reall.
RV: So this Elekid is….ALREADY DEAD? No wonder it’s making that zombie-like face.
MR: He’s got nice shoes at least, so they dressed him up nice. Most open caskets don’t open that far down, but you never know in the world of Pokemon. Great shoes. Elegant shoes.
RV: Wait, is he wearing yellow flats or yellow boots with black…top parts?
MR: I was thinking flats, but I’m not certain. You know better than I do, do most Pokemon wear flats these days?
RV: They’re in-style, but they’re on the way out right now in favor of stilettos.
MR: And this is why I could never be a Pokemon. Too hard to walk.
RV: You walking in stilettos would definitely be a disadvantage in combat. I’m torn between pitying this poor Pokemon for the head vandalism or feeling glad he’s going to be able to walk long after the rest of the pokemon universe has tripped over itself.
MR: Except the flying Pokemon. They’re still fine.
RV: SPEAKING of flying type, look at this thing:
MR: Oh, it’s death.
RV: Yes, the literal Grim Reaper.
MR: I don’t know if that’s Golbat or Crobat or a third bat I’m unaware of.
RV: It’s Golbat, only it’s wrong.
MR: I guess it’s not terribly inaccurate. The teeth aren’t particularly intimidating, though. They look like something you’d shove into a Lite Brite.
RV: A Lite Brite?
MR: It’s this.
RV: Oh, wow, they do.
MR: Back before there were Pokemon, we shoved plastic pegs in holes.
RV: You’re older than me, yes, you recall what it was like in the BeforeTimes.
MR: It was cold and it was dark. Except for the areas with Lite Brites. They were somewhat less dim.
RV: So this Golbat is a commentary on the darkness of our past, and its light color represents hope?
MR: I don’t think Golbat has an internal lighting fixture, so I’m afraid the darkness prevails. When do we get to the Bidoof figurines.
RV: I was wondering when you’d ask. I TRIED, man, but I did not find any Bidoofs. I did find WORSE BIDOOF, though.
Matt Rutkowski: Oh my god he looks so depressed. Like he was just told there were no Bidoofs.
Rebekah Valentine: He was. I told him before I took the pic.
MR: It’s not for me to say really, but one definitely needs to take into account a Pokemon’s mental state before dropping that kind of hammer. He clearly was not prepared. That’s Zagzonzin, correct?
RV: Yes, that’s Zoogzorzan. His official art shows him in a better mental state so you can see what I’ve reduced him to.
MR: He still looks a bit freaked out there. He’s got the Charlie Brown “I don’t like or understand what’s happening” face.
RV: Did Pikachu just pull the football away from his kick?
MR: That, or he is the football. He does look like a spiky football, a little.
RV: That’s really lost on the figurine, though. I wouldn’t want to kick it.
MR: I think I would. Might put it out of its misery. Also, to go back to shoes, those look like they might be heels.
RV: They’re definitely flats. These things have a copyright of 2005 on them, so I think they’re still in an earlier wave of fashion.
MR: Knockoffs with copyrights? That’s pretty bold.
RV: Copyright China, or whatever.
RV: Now there’s this.
MR: All appendages covered in blood. This is terrifying.
RV: So I’m like…99% sure this is a Digimon. And to be clear, this bucket was 99.9% Pokemon…and this. I didn’t just like pick this out of a bucket of Digimon.
MR: Odd. He must have killed all of the monsters in his own world and now it’s coming to get the Pokes. But you picked him out of the bucket and saved them all. …less the other nine you took home. They’re doomed. Maybe that’s another possibility why Zongalzan was so upset.
RV: It’s seriously driving me crazy as to what this actually is. I googled “Digimon” but unfortunately that’s not a helpful search term, it’d be like googling “Pokemon” because you wanted to see a picture of Luvdisc.
MR: Is there a Bulbapedia for Digimon? Wait, don’t answer that question. I don’t care.
RV: Okay I didn’t think this was creepy when I picked it out of the bucket but now that you said it was covered in blood I can’t stand to look at it anymore. Let’s move on to something more friendly.
Rebekah Valentine: You’ve seen this before.
Matt Rutkowski: It’s a cross between a Kingler and Blissey.
RV: I can see why you would think that. Because it is definitely a Chansey, which evolves into Blissey. But there’s something wrong with its hand. My theory: It’s holding a mutated version of its own egg.
MR: I think that’s safe to say. Wow, you went deep into this store of horrors, didn’t you?
RV: You brought me here with blood Digimon earlier.
MR: Hey. Hey now. You brought the thing demanding sacrifice to my attention. I just observed it for what it was: a horrible, life-stealing creature of darkness and pain.
RV: Chansey is usually associated with life and goodness and happiness, though! Have we met the anti-Chansey, or what’s happening?
MR: Well, possibly. Or its just a second egg in a slightly less pleasing position. If one can get past aesthetics, maybe it’s double life and goodness.
RV: You know, I prefer that right there. It’s the same color as the Chansey so maybe it’s about to hatch into another, happy Chansey.
MR: There’s a chance. Let’s just be happy with this interpretation and not think about it anymore.
RV: Okay, well here’s another pink thing that’s much less happy
MR: I’ve never seen a Nidoran to be all that happy, so at least they got that part right. The color is a bit fluorescent. Is it a shiny?
MR: Radioactive maybe. Like that song, “Radioactive.” That figure’s not all that bad, really. Minus the off-putting color.
RV: Yeah, I think it surprised me more in person because it just looks….really angry. Like it has the face of its evolution, Nidorino. Wait. Nope, shiny Nidorino is blue too. Dangit. Now I’m legit not sure which one it is, though.
MR: Maybe the anger precedes the evolution.
RV: So it’s a Nidoran, about to evolve. That’s why it’s glowing, too. Okay, well that one turned out to be really boring!
MR: We needed a rest after we spent the last two contemplating death and life.
RV: So, two left.
Matt Rutkowski: bahahahaha
Rebekah Valentine: There’s this dude.
MR: Pyramid Head has a silly pet.
RV: You know, funnily enough, this one looks really accurate. It’s Manectric.
MR: Which makes it even funnier. Why does it have an anteater nose?
RV: That’s just what it looks like, but right, the nose is weird.
MR: The face reminds me of a creature from the Dark World from A Link to the Past. I don’tknow why. But regardless, it’s still funny.
RV: I love that you said he’s Pyramid Head’s pet. That’s perfect. I think that’s enough, he speaks for himself. Here’s the last one:
MR: He wants to be a flying type and that’s adorable. Also appears to have a string or a whip or something.
RV: So, I’m gonna show you the real thing, and your mood is gonna change.
MR: oh. um. oh. That has to be a model for some other monkey that they decided to Pokefy.
RV: I mean, maybe, but like the basic shape and colors are sort of there? I guess it could be Monferno.
MR: I was thinking a monkey from a different video game possibly.
RV: It’s like they took the face and post of the evolution and put it on the body of Chimchar.
MR: The torso. It’s too wide. Whatever it is, it isn’t right. It shouldn’t be like this, Rebekah. This is wrong.
RV: I know, it’s so bad. All of these are bad.
MR: I’m trying to think if there were any I actually enjoyed. It’s difficult. I guess maybe Pyramid Dog. Or Earthworm Jim.
RV: I was about to say Dog Poop Snake wasn’t the worst.
MR: Don’t get me wrong, I would still display every one of these in my own home, and proudly. But not for the reasons the manufacturers likely intended.
RV: No, now I have to figure out what to do with these. I might like sneakily give them to people.
MR: People you like or dislike?
RV: ……………I genuinely don’t know
MR: You don’t have to decide yet. Just follow your heart. Assuming it’s still there to follow after this mess.
RV: It might have gotten just a lil darker after today. Anyway, thank you for making this journey with me. Into the heart of Pokemon darkness.
MR: The horror, the horror.